ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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