If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
