the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
