help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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