i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I want a musical about memes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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