i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
