I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
