I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
