i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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