At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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