I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
