my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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