now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
