Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
