I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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