I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
