Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
