I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
