Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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