I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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