i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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