If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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