I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
