Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
