i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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