I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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