I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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