i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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