At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
