It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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