Sponge bath it is.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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