My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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