You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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