$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
