The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
