You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
