Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
