Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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