Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
