Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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