God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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