i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
What a dumb baby whore.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
