she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
