I wannas sexs uuuuu
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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