i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
