I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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