If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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