"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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