cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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