the condom got lost in my hair
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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